nighttime thoughts of an insomniac....

do you know what I mean when I say that I'm so tired but I have no rest?

I really should be asleep right now.  really.  I'm certain that I've had less than 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days...hallucinations are around the corner.

but for some reason, this body of mine will not rest.  or is it my mind that will not rest?

oh, I've got it!  could it be my spirit that has no rest?  hmph.  that one is harder to treat.  I could treat the body and the mind with a glass of wine or take some diphenhydramine before bed (notice I said OR...don't be mixing your drinks with your pills!)

but what to do about the spirit? I feel like my spirit has been so active lately, like it's in overdrive.  Grieving this and celebrating that...  slow down.  sllllllooooowwww d.o.w.n.

I've been doing deep breathing exercises with patients lately...even a little bit of chair yoga with my psych patients.  and I've become aware of how uncomfortable I am with my own deep breath.  weird, right?

try it.

take a deep breath in through your nose

(do it.  right now)

out through your mouth

now again.  and this time where do you see the body rise in response to the breath.  does your chest rise?  or your abdomen?  both?  neither?

now feel your breath through out your body.  let it move from your head to your feet and out of your toes into the ground.

now.

be grounded.

This is what I find myself doing...commanding myself to "rest!"

I know God commanded rest, but is that something I can command of myself?  maybe.  probably.  biblically speaking... YES!

well, tonight I'm just asking.  I'm asking God to pour over me and to put to rest everything.


fear, anxiety, stress, lists, aches, tension, pain, excitement, curiosity, dreams, and thoughts.

yes, tonight, my prayer is for this wonderful gift of sleep to come and make herself cozy in my bed.

Lord, I've always been one to learn from experience.  Allow me to experience this rest in You...in spite of me.